I remember how long it took me to completely figure out the difference between falling in love with the idea of someone and falling in love with an actual person. At the time, I was still trying to figure out this whole thing called love, so most times I was more concerned about if the person fits into what I needed than actually getting to know the person for real to experience that actual feeling.
Lately, I spoke to an old friend who was so excited about her date with this new guy sometime last month, I was really happy for her and as we both planned what to wear and blah blah I was hoping she would actually get drawn to this person. Feel the arrival of the butterflies, blush, smile, laugh and enjoy the moments shared etc.
My life got a little busy so we didn’t speak for about a week, when we eventually got to speak I was expecting to hear how his eyes lit up the room, how he was super chill and relaxed etc. But No, all I got to hear from her is, he has a really great job and if everything goes well we could get married in the next 8-10 months.
What?! No! Not that I’m joy killer of any kind but all I could deduce from that conversation was that my little lady had fallen for all this guy was about but she wasn’t particularly drawn to the actual person.
I tried to let her understand that marriage is one hell of a long journey and if you are not actually attracted or in sync with the person or if you don’t even give yourself a chance to experience that spark with them you might end up feeling cheated much later.
The moment you begin to fantasize about the next couple of years, the kids you could both have instead of reminiscing on the connection, the conversation and the time you spent together then you must really be in love with the idea of this person and not the actual person.
That moment you are beginning to think about how great his job is, how picture perfect she looks to present to your family before actually getting to know who this person is, it means you are just drawn to the idea of this person such that if any other person who perfectly fits this fantasy specification comes along, all you guys ever shared would be long forgotten.
I know it might be easy to confuse these two ideas but there are many ways to tell that you are merely falling in love with the idea of someone, because no matter how long you guys date or spend time together you might never feel that connection. You might not really miss that person or long for their presence. You find out that you are just satisfied with the thought that the person would fit into your long-term goal of a relationship or marriage
Most times you are even blinded to the negative things about them because the idea of them you have in your head makes them feel somewhat perfect to you. You ignore the red lights because your brakes are out for this person who seems all perfectly fit into your own idea of a partner.
If you realize you are caught in this web you have a choice, you either let this whole idea you built around this person puff out like a smoke or you make a real effort to see if you have any real feelings or connections with this person that could keep you together in a long-term relationship or marriage.
There is something true and divine called love and the person you fall in love with might not even fit into all those specs you have dreamt of all your life but when you are drawn to the actual person your specs might not really matter, the connection and synergy that sparks once you are with them would just confirm it all.